Guilt-Free Parenting?

A friend of mine recently wrote a blog about Mom-guilt. She was right on the money, and it got me thinking. Why is it that no matter how hard we try, we're still plagued with it?

Now, I'm not riddled with it over EVERY aspect of parenting. I'm learning to let go of some things, like the fact that I cannot control the decisions my children make in spite of making every effort to discipline consistently, calmly and with Bible-based follow-up discussion. Of course, let me clarify, that is my goal. It does NOT always happen that way. I find myself, more often than I care to admit, raising my voice when they aren't listening, disciplining in the midst of frustration rather than with patience and skipping the Biblical application portion altogether because someone peed on the floor or I'm needed to intervene in another crisis elsewhere in the household. Believe me, at the end of the day, I often experience plenty of guilt over what I consider my failures as a mother. It doesn't help when, in moments of honesty, I let it slip to someone without children or to someone who has one young child (not old enough to rebel, talk back or throw fits) that I raised my voice at my kids recently, and I get a look of almost stiff politeness, but not understanding. Certainly, I never thought I would struggle with these things before I had kids. Then I had them, and the sinful inclinations in my heart have more than enough opportunities to spill out into my every day life. I guess you could say it keeps me humble.

This is what I mean when I say, at least, in this one area, I'm growing. Meaning, I've come to accept that God's mercies ARE new every morning and that His plan for my children does not hinge upon acts of perfection or failures on my part. I am very thankful for the Holy Spirit's working on my heart to help me give over the really significant parts of my children's upbringing to God. Of course, I still need to make every effort to pray for them, give Biblical instruction and discipline well. I'm part of the plan for their lives, definitely, but while His purposes for them include me, I know they cannot be thwarted by me. That's good to hang on to! Because, when I fail, I know God is still sovereign and in control, and He is certainly not surprised by anything I'm going to pull out during the day. It all goes toward humbling me and increasing my dependence on Him and, in some way, building the character of my children. (And, hopefully, all the times I feel like I fail are not nearly as forefront in their thoughts as they are in mine!) Keeping these things in mind helps me feel a little less guilty and little more like a Mom just humbly working through the sanctification process while also striving to love, nurture and teach her kids well.

Improvements there. But, there are some other areas where fresh guilt has reared it's ugly head these days. It's always about petty things too, far less significant than the larger issue of discipline and Biblical teaching. So why do they FEEL so big?

1) Homeschooling. This is a sensitive subject for some, and I offer no judgements whatsoever on those who choose to do it and can do it well. I think it's highly admirable and produces some very well-educated and disciplined teenagers! But, I always feel like I OUGHT to be willing and able to do it, and the fact that I don't (or can't), has always frustrated me. Especially since, for some reason, whenever people find out I have five (almost six) children, they automatically assume I must be a home-schooler! Then, when I politely set them straight, they seem surprised. Why? So then I feel compelled, almost desperate, to justify myself. You have to understand, I say, I have five children ages seven and younger. As close in age as they are, it would be very difficult for me to give everyone the adequate time and attention they need in order to give them the best that they deserve in an education. My academic abilities notwithstanding, I can't change those logistics. Case in point, today I spent two hours trying to get my six year old to write the numbers 1-10 correctly and read ONE book. Two hours! During which time, I could only partially supervise and attend to all the others well. Now half the morning is gone, and I'm left feeling flustered, the house is a mess and the kids are whiny and clamoring for attention. Still, even though I know it's not for us, I come away from those conversations feeling sadly lacking. In my head, I imagine they are thinking, if you REALLY wanted to do it, you would. If you only had more patience, made more of an effort, had better planning skills...yada yada yada. It's not THEIR fault. I feel guilty regardless of what's said, which is usually very agreeable. So why the guilt!!??

2) Organic Food/Meals. My blogger friend mentioned this one, and I was surprised to realize that I DO worry about this! I feel bad whenever I read my friends' posts about all the amazing fresh foods they've discovered at hole-in-the-wall places and the uber-healthy gourmet meals they've whipped up with them. I'd love to say that I bought all organic fruits, vegetables, meat and milk. But, let's be honest, it's expensive. I have a family of seven to feed on a strict grocery budget, and buying organic is just something we sacrifice the majority of the time. I used to assuage my guilt by at least buying organic milk, but we now drink three, sometimes more, gallons of milk a week, and a gallon of milk has shot over $3! That's a lot of moolah to shell out for something that's not even a solid food guaranteed to fill up lots of little tummies 3-5 times a day! Then there are meals in general. For every dinner of frozen chicken nuggets, grilled cheese, pancakes or hot dogs, I feel like I have to balance it with an offering of roast turkey, spaghetti or beef BBQ another day. The reality is, food is not cheap, but sometimes cheap is necessary. So I try to work within our constraints to make food that's healthy and affordable...and at least offer lots of fruits and vegetables from our garden on the side to supplement. Doing the best I can, but why do I still feel guilty?!

3) TV time. We don't have cable. In fact, we don't get any television stations. At all. We basically have a TV plugged into an outlet so that we can view selections from our movie collection when we want. So, I really shouldn't feel guilty about this, right? My kids don't spend mindless hours watching cartoons every day, and my husband and I don't spend hours every night watching sitcoms and reality shows instead of spending time with each other. Yes, I have to admit, this summer I've really needed the TV time I DO allow. I give the excuse that I'm pregnant. It takes SO much more energy and time to accomplish all the normal things. Plus, I have all the kids home from school and, to be honest, I really NEED an hour or so every day where they are all quiet and occupied and I can check off my to-do list for the afternoon. So, at the beginning of the summer, we watched maybe one 75-minute movie every other day. The last few weeks (I AM in the third trimester here) I've digressed to allowing one 75-to 90-minute movie every day during the baby's nap. During this time I do dishes without someone pulling my pants off, fold clothes without constant interruptions and exercise without breaking up fights every other set. It's been super helpful! But I STILL feel guilty, like I should either put up with the interruptions like a gracious June Cleaver or like I am in some way lacking as a mom in general, because I know it is highly unlikely that I could send five children to the playroom for a half hour and expect that my attentions won't be needed. Well, something's gotta give. In this case, I've opted for preserving my energy and sanity, and I'm NOT going to let myself feel TOO guilty about that!

Anyway, I could probably go on and on, but those are the main things occupying my thoughts at present. I can safely say, though, that I will happily have myself some Ben & Jerry's ice cream this evening without a single ounce of guilt, something that would have been nearly impossible for me once upon a time. Yay, for progress of any kind!

The Great Outdoors

When I was a kid, being outside was an adventure and, in spite of being a girl, I didn't mind getting dirty to have one. I can remember making mud pies in our backyard and arranging them, just so, on the big green electricity box in the back yard. The metal got so hot it would bake the mud in an afternoon. I remember low-crawling through piles of leaves and drawing up imaginary treasure maps leading all around our yard. When I got older, I wasn't that much different. Soccer games played in the rain and the mud were the most fun, in my opinion, and, although Mike loves to tease me now, I loved our camping trips with family friends. Everyone had kids around the same age, and we spent hours hiking or playing soccer or football in the adjoining fields to our sites. At night we sat around the campfire playing cards, and I can't remember ever noticing bugs or dirt or the like...

Now, I'm an adult, and my husband gives me a patronizing sort of smile whenever I insist these tidbits of my younger days actually occurred. I guess I can't blame him for his skepticism. But, here's the thing, now when I go out in the heat and dirt and bug-infested grass, I'm not playing with the freedom and abandon of youth, I'm supervising. Supervising doesn't involve much running around. In fact, it involves a lot of slowly circling the property being always prepared to step in as a referee or medic or whatever the situation calls for. These days, being fairly pregnant, I do more sedentary observing, which means, rather than enjoying the breeze or the sunny day, I'm usually in one place, painfully aware of the heat and the swarms of gnats engulfing me. You never notice when you're running around having an adventure. When you're just sitting there...waiting for the plague of insects to attack, it's not.

Nevertheless, I went outside yesterday to keep an eye on the kids. Not necessarily because I was looking forward to leaving the indoors, but because I'd finished the majority of tasks and chores that would make for a good excuse to avoid going. I sat on one of our big tree stumps, very conscious of the ants that were inexplicably attracted to me, and watched my boys gleefully digging a huge hole in the dirt. They had dirt everywhere and yet were completely unaware. Keller scooped up a huge shovelful of dirt and actually dumped it over his head. Not only was there a visibly heavy layer of soil coating his hair, it was lodged in his ears. He was grinning obliviously. I have NO idea why. My youngest, Kennedy, kept sneaking off to our blackberry bush around the side of the house. She's already knowledgeable about which juicy fruits are ripe for picking, and she helped herself whenever she thought she could beat me there. (My mother asked me later if I washed the ones she picked. I just laughed to myself. As if I had the time to clean them before she expertly plucked them and popped them quickly into her little mouth!) To top it off, I caught her scooping yucky rain water out of the back of a very dirty dump truck. I'm sure it was quite refreshing. Still, I dumped it out after that. Just couldn't bring myself to let that continue, whether it bothered her or not.

But they all had a fantastic time. They were completely unaware of the dirt and the heat and the bugs and all the things I tried so hard, and failed miserably, to ignore. I was happy for them though. Having their own messy adventures in our "great outdoors" of a backyard. Even as I inwardly lamented over the logistically difficult task of getting five dirty children bathed with only one bathroom, I did remember with satisfaction, and a little longing, all those carefree days when I once felt exactly the same way. And who knows, maybe one day not too long from now, when I'm no longer greatly pregnant and all my children have reach an age of moderate self-sufficiency, I will find myself falling in with the hikes and joining in the games of tag and soccer and treasure hunting once more...and enjoying it!