The Trouble with Denial

So, sometimes denial can be a good thing. Not in the ascetic, Monkish way, but in the manner of self-discipline and self-control. Sometimes it IS better to say no to that slice of chocolate cake or bag of pretzel M&Ms. But, I'm pregnant, and I'm not sure that I'm completely pleased with the results of my financial and caloric frugality.

During the first trimester, when I could hardly stomach the thought of eating anything, there was always a nebulous list of food items which, if I could only procure, would DEFINITELY be THE thing that was SO appetizing it would most certainly be immune to my nauseous state. I indulged as many of these whims as was possible. Meaning, as many as I could find when planning my weekly shopping.

This was a hit or miss situation though. In some cases it backfired. For instance, just because I wanted almonds while at the store did not guarantee that I would want them when I got home (or any other time for that matter. I'm now six months pregnant and still have that bag of almonds in my cupboard!) In other cases, this plan-ahead-for-the-craving strategy was successful, either because they were generally reliable choices or because I developed a genuine appreciation for that item. For example, I've always had success with cherry pop tarts during my pregnancies. No-brainer there. I also had great success with homemade chocolate milkshakes. How could you go wrong? Other new cravings, such as salt and vinegar chips, have stuck with me, and I'm LOVING them. (I wish I had a bag right now, actually.)

The hard part was satisfying the cravings that were more transient in nature. In these cases I had to rely on the willingness of my husband to head out at random times in the evenings. (I know he loved that!) Mostly this centered around baked potatoes or junior bacon cheeseburgers from Wendy's. Go figure. For some reason, however nauseous, I could still enjoy these, at least for that moment, when the mood struck.

Indulging at this point wasn't a problem, because I gained nothing during that trimester. I would not say there was anything blissful about it, because I don't care to relive the all-day-long sickly feeling, but I can't say it wasn't nice to prolong the scale-tipping days ahead. However, no sooner had my nausea subsided, than I started gaining 5 lbs per month. In an effort to maintain a healthy pregnancy and not double our grocery bill by buying every little thing I'd really like to have, I've taken to denying myself more often than not. I pass by the bags of Twizzlers, chips, Combos and dried cherries, Diet Root Beer and donuts, jars of sweet gherkins and maraschino cherries. I talk myself out of mozzarella cheese sticks and cinnamon rolls. I practically put on blinders through the cookie aisle. Oh, and who can forget the ingenious goodness of Ben & Jerry's or the European sensation, Magnum Bars? Can you imagine the toll to the pocketbook and the waistline if I filled my cart with all that stuff?! Sigh...and yet...

The sad, sad side effect of this (it's really borderline tragic) is that I rarely actually crave anything anymore! There are things I would like, of course, but not many things I NEED. I'm not sure if this is just my fate for the next three months because I've gone and, horror, maintained decent eating habits, thereby overriding the physiological inclinations I'd otherwise have, or if it's purely psychological. Either way, I'm not sure I like it. While I might not ALWAYS indulge myself, for good reasons, what's the point of enjoying being pregnant if you don't have an excuse to have that random item that is absolutely NECESSARY because you can't be satisfied without it!? (And, I have to admit, there's also something satisfying about watching my husband trek out into the night to fetch these things for me. It's like a journey of love, right?) What makes it all the more irritating is that, regardless of my attempts to be good, I'm STILL gaining that monthly five (sometimes six)! So that's the trouble...has my denial negated my ability to crave? Oh, I hope not! Now I'm off to eat a junior bacon cheeseburger. Maybe all I need is a little inspiration!