Day 10-A Firm Foundation (part one)

I glance at the still-sleeping form of my husband. A glint of gold catches my eye. His ring shines in the lessening darkness, reflecting the light seeping into our room. It wasn't like that when I gave it to him. I selected a brushed-gold ring, knowing him to prefer something understated. It was a beautiful effect, even in it's dullness of finish.

As with ring selection, we expended much time and energy in knowing one another's likes and dislikes well. Expectations and dreams. Building a foundation. We spent months diligently attending premarital counseling, doing all the requisite studying and follow-up discussion, reading all recommended books. One of the most highly regarded books at that time was the still-popular "The Five Love Languages." We tore through the chapters, eager to see the other in its pages and be better prepared to meet all the needs that attend growing love.

I could never have anticipated that this book, and others like it, would actually cause so much frustration. There is much to be said for seeking to actively demonstrate love to your spouse, to meet their specific needs and to avoid the damage of unmet expectations. Those pursuits ARE extremely important and worthy endeavors. However, I failed to consider the damage that might occur when the broader perspective of marriage is lost and so much emphasis is placed on what is being done.

Marriage is not really about what my husband does for me. I appreciate it, most definitely! But when I start to focus on what he does and doesn't do, it's only a matter of time before I connect those actions to his feelings for me and my sense of worth and security. When he doesn't do what I want, he doesn't really love me. I don't mean to keep a record of wrongs, but I do. The longer the list of wrongs becomes, the more ingratitude fills my heart. As my heart brims with ingratitude, discontent seeps into the marriage. The more discontent I feel in the relationship, the more I resent HIM for where we are, where I am. Once resentment is the primary attitude of my heart, I no longer desire to actively show love in any form or be receptive to that which he offers.

It's not that there is so much wrong with the doing. We are called to serve one another in love. That's what Ephesians' admonition to husbands and wives is about. Different methods of service, the wife's submission to the husband and the husband's sacrificial love for his wife. A wrong attitude of the heart creates an improper view of service. The attitude of the heart in marriage must be right or the actions will always be lacking.

This is inevitable, because we do not marry perfect people who are able to perfectly meet our needs, love languages or realistic, or unrealistic, expectations all the time. We marry sinners. I am a sinner! All the doing of life is bound to reveal flaws. How I handle those flaws is significant. How I view my husband in light of God's sovereign plan is significant. I can either treat him as a gift from the Lord, a gift to be thankful and grateful for, or as a person there to meet my needs.

So when inevitable failure occurs...what happens then? If my attitude is thankfulness, then I am content in spite of wrongs or unmet expectations. If I can say to my husband: I love you and am thankful for you, because I trust God brought us together. If there is anything to change for the better, that is God's work to do, not mine to identify...THEN I am being gracious. THEN we have a foundation on which to base a marriage.

226) the early morning snuggles of my toddler daughter with her Daddy
227) the baby's sweet, full-body sneeze
228) the oldest son's initiative to serve his siblings breakfast
229) the remarkably bright, blue sky
230) the crisp, clean air
231) the once-reluctant son's new-found enthusiasm for school
232) the tinkling sound of chimes in the distance
234) the twirling dance shared with my daughter
235) the rich, milk chocolate-covered, vanilla bean ice cream bars hidden in the freezer for me by my husband
236) the willingness of my husband to sacrificially serve our family and others
237) the admirable and incomparable work ethic he brings to his job
238) the way he tells me every day I'm beautiful
239) the wisdom and discernment he demonstrates in being a good steward of our finances
240) the gift of his humor
241) the report of answered prayer
242) the advances in medical technology allowing for more accurate diagnoses and treatments
243) the old-fashioned, oval brass curtain rod that turns our tub into a shower
244) the scrubbed, soapy-clean bare surface of my baby
245) the children, all snuggle-y in their pajamas, ready for bed
246) the aroma of percolating coffee
247) the company of great friends
248) the good report of continuing mission work with college students in Ukraine
249) the precious child whose presence defies doctors and testifies to God's power
250) the quiet house, hushed with slumber