My List

I haven't blogged in a long time. In fact, I kind of gave up on it for a while. Admittedly, some things have changed in the months since my last post. I gave birth to our sixth child, a boy, who is now five months old. I took up drinking hot tea and love combing through the selections at the store for new and inviting flavors. Our commitments at church are increasing as we become even more involved. So, some things haven't changed. I'm busy. Always busy. I don't have time to blog. I don't really have many interesting or important things to share. Time for myself? I don't have. I don't have.

I've spent a lifetime playing that devastatingly deceptive mantra over and over in my head. I have always known it was, on the face of it, self-deprecating and superficial. What I did not think about, until recently, is the heart of it. Ingratitude.

I've been reading our latest book club selection "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. Reading is something I DO make time for, sparing though it may be and far less than what I crave. I'm not even halfway through this book, and it is in turns provoking, frustrating and illuminating. She ponders the disappointments of life and how she's dealt with it. A plain life. A life like mine. Raising children, day after day. Past hurts, losses, fears and bitterness. Present failures and lackings. Future...what? All too often characterized by ingratitude, which leads to more frustration and less peace, more disappointment and less contentment. Less joy.

Where does joy in the Lord really come from? She works through it. It's learned, Paul says. How is it learned? Thankfulness. How often am I really thankful? REALLY thankful. Intimately aware of the blessings of the Lord when it is so much easier, day in and day out, to dwell on the don't-haves. She takes up a challenge after ruminating over the Greek word "eucharisteo," which means "he gave thanks." Can she identify one thousand blessings? Actually make a list. One thousand "gifts" from the Lord. Things that she loves. Enjoys. Things that in going through the daily motions and busyness of life get blown over, dismissed. Unappreciated. Can making this list, intentionally recording the littlest of precious moments to the most wondrous, become an offering up of thanks that turns discontent into joy and, ultimately, a more trusting and humble and CLOSE walk with the Lord?

Can it? I wonder too. Can the daily and intentional offering of thanks in the simple act of making a list, a list of all the things and experiences God blesses me with, cultivate within me a new attitude regarding my life and the good AND hard things the Lord sees fit to bestow? One thousand, maybe more? I want to KNOW for myself that the Lord HAS blessed me beyond what I can even ask or imagine, I have just failed to acknowledge it, to acknowledge HIM in those things, so that in the mundane of my life and in the valleys of my life and at the end of my life, I might be found faithful...and thankful. I want to try it,to marvel at his goodness in MY life, in all things.

My own list of eucharisteo...

1) the desperate clinging of a baby who has cried for, wants and needs (miracle!) me
2) the frantic nuzzling of a famished baby
3) the smoothness of my made bed, unbroken yet welcoming, taut with invitation
4) the gentle music of the rain on my window, my house, my street
5) the fledgling expressions of my daughter
6) the son I longed to converse with, calling "Mommy, come, I'll show you..."
7) the long, lush perfectly placed eyelashes
8) the husband, sacrificing his time to bring our boys home every day
9) the vision of my one year old and three year old working together, and well, on a puzzle
10) the enveloping heat from the grate, warming me all over
11) the wood floors, cracked with age, worn with our feet and our toils and those here before us
12) the sweet, plumped, flushed cheeks of my baby boy after his tummy has been filled up
13) the ever-thickening crown of dark golden hair, uniquely placed, on his little head
14) the way my delighted daughter christens cows "Moo-Moos"
15) the little lips that oblige me when I ask for a kiss
16) the unrestrained child laughter at some secret comical thing
17) the mug of hot cocoa that warms my hands and insides with smooth rich chocolate goodness
18) the happy smile that blooms on my baby's face as the light of recognition fills his eyes
19) the buttery, earthy taste of the peanut
20) the idiosyncrasy of a dark gray-skied horizon that still streams sunlight through the tree outside my window
21) the lisped prayers of blessing at mealtime
22) the stars twinkling in the blackened expanse above
23) the satisfaction of celebrating a child's hard-earned success
24) the singing of hushed lullabies
25) the irresistibly lovely coos and giggles of a baby playing